What is it like to fall in love

Love is a choice: this is how you learn to fall in love again

Do you always fall in love with the wrong people? In unreachable people, people who are already taken or who are not interested in you? Or haven't you fallen in love in years?

The good news: You are not alone with the problem and it is solvable. The first thing to understand is that falling in love is not happiness, it is a skill. And anyone can learn it. To do this, you first have to recognize why you never or always fall in love with the “wrong people” and learn how you can change that.

Why do I always have to fall in love with the wrong people?

Falling in love with someone who is obviously not interested, is already taken, lives in another country, has a completely different philosophy of life than you, or remains unreachable for other reasons is pretty easy. After all, it's a safe bet. It's the best protection to avoid getting involved in a relationship. And it is the best justification for the social environment and in front of yourself: "I would love to have a relationship, but I just always fall in love with the wrong people." You can cast this self-staged theater play with new people and perform it again and again, without anyone noticing that it is actually always the same piece.

Those who keep falling in love with the wrong person protect themselves from entering into a partnership.

Why do I never fall in love?

Not everyone has the strength and stamina to stage their fear of closeness in new, failing attempts at relationships. The alternative: just don't fall in love at all. And woe, the other person falls in love. Then he or she is devalued, everything about the other becomes unbearable - the noises when eating, the way the other dresses, etc. Suddenly there are 1001 reasons why the person is not the right person. These are the people of whom we say: "He's still single, but no wonder - he has too high standards." This avoidance tactic earns less pity than the one described above, but it is also a safe haven that protects against too much closeness.

And now?

Problem recognized - problem eliminated. Once you realize that there is no curse on you, but instead you are using an avoidance strategy, you have already gained a lot. Now you can get to the bottom of the matter and work on the real problem.

How do I find my construction site?

People who consciously or unconsciously avoid relationships usually do so out of fear of loss. If you don't love anyone or just people who are unavailable, you have nothing to lose. The next step is therefore to ask yourself where this fear comes from in you: Did you have to worry as a small child that you would be deprived of love if you did not meet the demands of your parents? Or was one of the parents sick, addicted, unreliable or elderly and you were very afraid that they would die or leave you? Did one of the parents actually leave the family or did someone close to them die? Or did you suffer a loss in later stages of life or fear that someone you loved would leave?

Only when you have identified your biographical trigger for your fear of loss and the associated avoidance tactics will you learn to understand your behavior.

Feel your strength

As a child, you thought that if you lost your parents, you would not survive. Later you might think that you would not survive the loss of your first great love. We subconsciously take this basic feeling of overpowering fear with us into later phases of life, in which we are actually strong enough to process losses. Only when you feel that you will survive the possible end of a relationship will you develop the courage to get involved.

Deal with losses

You can only develop the courage to do so by dealing with your fear of loss. Has there been a loss already? Then take your time and grieve. Most people try to distract themselves from grief because it hurts and because you have to allow weakness. But tears have to be shed to make way for something new.

As a child, I was very afraid that my grandparents would one day die. When the time came, I sat down with my grandpa and told him how sad I was that he had to go. And with that the elephant was no longer invisible in the room. We knew we were going to say goodbye. It was sad but important to be able to let go - for both of them.

love yourself

If you love yourself, the whole world is yours. There is no way around. Only when you love yourself and accept yourself for who you are will you be tolerant of the quirks of others. Your counterpart reflects what you strive for in the form of admiration or envy, just as it shows you the sides that you reject in yourself. For example, if you reject changeable, elusive people, you are probably not in touch with your childish, impulsive side. Pay close attention to what it is that is making you angry or angry and investigate it.

Be brave and dare the adventure!

Be aware of your avoidance strategies. If you fall into the inaccessibility trap again, be present and let go. Or if you devalue the flirt, which was only so beautiful now that he or she shows serious interest, and badmouth him or her. Ask yourself if you really don't want it or if your fear rules you. There are always reasons not to get involved with someone. Make up your mind for it. You can do it.

My Bible for Learning to Love is Marianne Williamson's book Return to love* If you have read this far, you have to order this book. I've read it several times and I always come back to it when it becomes relationally critical.

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