Morally falsely deceives a narcissist

The deceitful tendencies of the narcissists

You suspect that your narcissistic partner is cheating on you.

Or maybe you have evidence that your narcissistic ex cheated on you.

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And you wonder why.

It all depends on your mindset. The thought process that determines your actions.

This article explores the reasons a narcissist might cheat and how they might react when the infidelity is discovered.

But first of all you might ask yourself ...

Do All Narcissists Cheat?

Short answer: no, not all narcissists are scammers.

But with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) someone is much more likely to be unfaithful to their partner than a normal person.

Nor can it be said that all scammers are narcissists.

People from all kinds of backgrounds and with all kinds of personalities are capable of cheating.

But the reasons a narcissist may cheat, and the way they feel about it, sets them apart from others.

Why do narcissists cheat?

A narcissist's propensity to cheat on a partner is due to a combination of factors.

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Below are a few factors that contribute to this.

1. Narcissistic care

Narcissists want attention and admiration. This is the drug of choice.

When people look at them, chase after them, or want them in some way, they feel good about themselves.

The problem is, they want a lot of attention and the right kind of attention.

And a single relationship doesn't always give them what they need, especially when that relationship is well established and not as exciting as it used to be.

And so they look elsewhere for new admirers who will pay them the highest attention.

2. Claims thinking

A narcissist really believes that they deserve things more than other people.

They often have a superiority complex and that gives them the feeling that they have the right to take what they want out of life.

And that includes having more than one partner or having affairs.

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There is no question whether this is morally right or wrong, for they do not have to live by the standards of us mere mortals.

There are other rules for them, and these rules justify any emotional and physical infidelity.

3. An inflated ego

As we just said, narcissists think a lot of themselves.

They think that they are extremely desirable to others.

That gives them some self-confidence about members of their desired gender, and they are able to translate that into charm.

This charm creates positive attention that the narcissistic proposition mentioned above delivers.

And so they don't shy away from putting themselves in situations where they end up flirting with someone other than their partner.

Sometimes it's just flirting, but just being in these situations gives them more opportunities to cheat.

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4. Poor impulse control

There are signs that suggest a strong relationship between narcissism and impulsivity.

Not always, mind you, because narcissists can also be very calculating.

But in situations where there is an opportunity to secure narcissistic care and other physical or sexual gratification, a narcissist may find the urge irresistible.

Regardless of the consequences of their actions, they may cheat repeatedly on a partner for no other reason than a lack of self-control.

5. High sex drive

Many narcissists have high libido.

Sex is another source of supply for them and a chance to prove their worth.

Regardless of how much she or her sexual partner enjoys it, a narcissist will use sex as a means of self-soothing.

It's a strong dose of the drug you need to feel good about yourself.

If they are no longer satisfied with the sex they are having with their partner, this dose won't be as strong anymore.

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Therefore, they will look elsewhere for sex to get what they need.

6. A power trip

Narcissists like to feel like they are in control of others. They enjoy convincing people to do what they want.

Sex or other forms of physical or emotional indulgence are comfortable for the narcissist.

And so they see it as a challenge to attract and seduce people. They don't care that they're already in a relationship.

They enjoy the hunt and the satisfaction of getting someone to bed successfully.

It follows that they will enjoy controlling more than one partner more. And so they can get involved in affairs or live several lives with several partners.

If they can get away with it, it will prove to them that they really are superior to others. More skillful, more attractive, more personable.

7. Dehumanization

As discussed in this in-depth article on the subject, narcissists do not see or treat people as people.

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Aside from being sources of attention, people are only seen as objects of use and abuse.

Your feelings don't matter. Your well-being is not important.

A narcissist only cares about himself.

Cheating on a partner isn't really cheating in the eyes of a narcissist. How can you cheat an item with another item?

8. Lack of guilt

The inevitable result of the previous point is that narcissists feel no guilt or remorse for cheating on a partner.

It doesn't matter if this is someone you have recently been in a relationship with, or a wife or husband of many years or decades.

Do not let any feelings you have towards your partner stop you from being unfaithful. They have no conscience to stop them.

And that leads back to the lack of impulse control mentioned earlier.

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One thing that helps most people control their urges is a strong aversion to the negative feelings that result from breaking trust in someone who is important to them.

Since narcissists feel nothing like that, this mechanism to prevent infidelity is missing.

9. They think they can get away with it.

Narcissists are skilled liars and manipulators. They can cheat just because they think they can get away with it.

They don't believe that their actions will have greater consequences because they can talk their way out of them.

That's not to say that the consequences are enough to deter them from cheating.

But they just don't provide a result that would convince them not to cheat.

The signs that a narcissist is cheating

Realizing that a narcissistic partner is cheating on you often boils down to seeing the signs.

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These are not that different from what you would see on any person cheating on you, whether they are narcissistic or not.

However, there are a few things to highlight that are specific to narcissists.

1. They disappear for long periods of time

You may not see or hear from them for days, no matter how often you try to get in touch with them.

They can disappear from the face of the earth when spending time with other partners or lovers.

Even if you do live with them, they may find ways to be "away", be it for work or a hobby, or to see an old friend (one they may never have mentioned to you before).

If you challenge them, they'll make up elaborate lies and tell you that you can turn a mosquito into an elephant.

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Or they might even start an argument with you to create a "cool-down" period. This gives them the perfect excuse to be completely absent for a while.

2. They could accuse you of cheating.

Perhaps, to deter you from their own infidelity, they could claim that you are cheating on them.

After all, why should you suspect them of being unfaithful when they show a strong disdain for such behavior?

By attacking first, they put you on the defensive. Even if you think they are cheating on you, it is difficult to bring up the subject and try to defend yourself at the same time.

If you do, they will simply cross off all allegations as your way of fending off the guilt.

This is not to be confused with the classic psychological projection, in which one person attributes negative feelings to another person.

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In the case of a narcissist, he does not experience negative feelings when he is cheating, and therefore his reasons for accusing you of cheating are not in trying to better himself.

3. Excessive flirting on social media

Do they often leave comments on the posts and photos of so-called friends that are quite flirtatious or suggestive?

You will, of course, argue that this means nothing, but it could be said that where there is smoke, there is fire.

Such comments alone are not enough to prove they are cheating. But when they're ready to be so bold about their flirtation, it shows that they don't really care what you say or think.

4. Sex habits change

As discussed above, for narcissists, sex is a means to an end. It is a way for them to receive their narcissistic care.

So, if you find that your partner is no longer demanding that much sex from you, there is a good chance they will get it elsewhere.

Or if the sex comes in spurts, it may indicate that they either ditched their last lover, or that that person is unavailable for some reason. And so they come back to you to meet their needs.

5. They won't let you near their phone (or are too open with it)

If a narcissist is cheating on you, they are likely arranging everything through messages.

This can be with people you already know or through different dating apps.

Understandably, they won't let you near their phone and keep their password a secret from you.

On the other end of the spectrum, they could be so open about their phone and allow you to use it whenever you want.

If so, chances are they have a second, secret phone that they use when you're not around.

Or maybe they claim to have a work phone that you are not allowed to access, only they seem to use it a lot outside of office hours.

6. You suddenly become very economical

Narcissists love to squander the money on new love interests. This happens at the very early stages of a relationship when they pamper their youngest victims in order to win them over.

The result is they have less money to spend on or with you.

If you're not married (and even then) the narcissist will insist on segregated bank accounts so you don't know what they're spending the money on.

But if they ask you to pay the bills this month or just don't spend that much, it could be because they are putting funds on someone else.

Confronting a deceptive narcissist

Let's say you are pretty sure that your narcissistic partner is cheating on you.

What if you confront him with it?

Usually their first reaction is denial. They will refuse to admit anything.

If they are cheating on you, they will simply make up a lie to convince you otherwise.

They will get angry and drive you insane to mislead you.

They will refuse to enter into the subject and will end the conversation as soon as you bring it up.

But what if you have some form of evidence suggesting or showing their guilt?

Then they will first try to discredit any information you have. They will claim the source is unreliable even if you are that source.

You heard wrong. You didn't see what you think you saw. What you read was not written by them.

If it is another person who thinks they have seen or heard something, that person is lying to you. The narcissist will claim that this person never liked them and is trying to tear you apart.

And what if you insist that they betrayed you? What if your evidence can't be denied?

The narcissist will throw things back on you, claiming that it is your behavior that drove them to cheat.

You were too curious. You didn't trust them. You treated her badly. You let yourself go

If you can't get your way out of things with a lie, you will do the next best thing and make it your fault.

This puts you back on the defensive and distracts focus from their actions.

So should you even bother confronting them?

Yes and no.

It sure won't feel good confronting them and you can expect them to use all of their dirty tricks on you.

But if you are asking for an admission of guilt, for example for the purpose of a divorce, you may have to do it.

Even if you just want to get out of the relationship, this conversation can start that process in motion.

Leaving a narcissist isn't easy - they won't make it easy for you - but if they believe that you no longer believe their lies and that they cannot manipulate you, they might decide that you are no longer worth the effort.

The alternative is to just leave and not contact them. In the long run, this is an effective way to deal with a narcissist, but in the short term, it poses its own problems.

However you act, the narcissist is likely to wage a smear campaign against you by using rumors to disseminate information that will impersonate you as the bad person.

You won't want others to believe that they are less perfect than they think they are.

But in the end, cheating or no cheating, you're better off without this relationship.