Are INTJ couples a good couple

Classic relationship killers - the top ten for marital frustration and couple problems

At the beginning of a committed relationship, everything usually looks rosy. The partner's little quirks often make him even more attractive. The mind may know that little things can later develop into everyday stress factors and real relationship killers, but eyes newly in love tend to ignore them.

Couples or marriage counseling is often about behaviors that seem to have crept into the partnership out of nowhere and are now disturbing their happiness together. On closer inspection, however, such relationship killers usually have a long history and have so far only been suppressed, played down or hushed up. If they come on the table in psychological counseling or partner therapy, it usually no longer makes sense to analyze the beginnings, to explain or even justify the behavior that is harmful to relationships. Rather, good listening, a willingness for self-reflection and, of course, creativity are required: Many classic relationship killers can be removed through more mindfulness and better communication, so that they no longer stand in the way of the future together.

The aim of successful couple counseling is to find opportunities for a new beginning within the relationship together. Both partners have to do their part to achieve this: the guilt is almost never only on one side, and assigning blame does not contribute much to a constructive and sustainable problem solution. As human as the look back in anger may be: Anyone who is determined to seek partner or marriage counseling in order to stabilize or save their relationship has already opted for the much more helpful and purposeful look forward.

The ten most common reasons for problems in a relationship

The following list is numbered from 1 to 10, but that doesn't mean that the classic relationship killers actually have a ranking. The individual characteristics of those involved, the nature of the problem and the fundamental stability of the partnership and joint planning are always essential.

Each point alone can be enough to make a couple separate; other couples suffer and struggle with destructive behavior for years and finally manage to save their marriage or civil partnership and to find a peaceful and happy togetherness.


1.      Lack of loyalty

Entering into a partnership is always a commitment. It requires fundamental consent with the partner - without reservations, conditions or back doors. Both want to feel like they are the first and best choice. Loyalty and solidarity do not only take place in pairs, but must also be clearly shown to the outside world. Frequently speaking badly about your partner in front of others or mocking him behind his back can shake trust more and jeopardize the relationship far more than a one-off affair.

2.      Lack of commitment

Partnership requires commitment. This includes calling when it gets later at work, as well as keeping short and long-term agreements and coordinating important decisions with the partner. Of course, the basic expectations of the relationship should also harmonize: If one dreams of wedding bells while the other is not yet ready for a permanent bond, the commitment will turn out very differently.

3.      Lack of humor

Laughing together, also about oneself, as well as the ability to perceive both the tragic and the comic aspects in crisis and conflict situations, lowers the stress level, increases creativity and also creates a strong bond between the partners. A common sense of humor should therefore be cultivated and practiced a lot - it keeps you young and is good for love - in good times and bad.

4.      Disrespectful behavior

Disrespectful is behavior that belittles the partner and makes him feel that he is being treated below value. Disrespect ranges from frequently ignoring everyday wishes and utterances to abrupt answers and frequent internal or external absences to negligence in the household, appearance, etc. ).

5.      Not enough praise and recognition

Partners should not only know and appreciate what they have in each other, they should also communicate it. Introverted or less eloquent people often forget to express their thoughts and feelings or are afraid to say wrong things. Silence can lead to much more uncertainty than a compliment that is not presented on stage. Women in particular often suffer from the speechlessness of their partner, while men tend to be blind to the company and believe, for example, that not complaining is enough praised. More positive communication never hurts, and it's never too late to learn something new here.

6.      Tightness and uncertainty

A committed relationship or marriage is meant to offer security and protection, but not to restrict it. If you cling to your partner, constantly suffer from fear of loss or cannot get your jealousy under control, you endanger love and put a strain on your partner and your partnership. When a relationship gets too tight for one or both of you, a lack of self-confidence and self-esteem are usually cause and effect at the same time. However, one can work well on self-confidence; It is only during partner therapy that many people realize that they have not trusted themselves and their partner enough up to now. In 2020, the corona crisis presents relationships with barely known challenges in this regard due to the prescribed quarantine.

7.      retreat

Partnership without closeness is unthinkable. If distances suddenly appear within the familiar living space and seem almost unbridgeable, this is an alarming sign. Unanswered questions, closed doors, lonely decisions: Refusal to talk and unfamiliar behavior create an atmosphere of uncertainty, isolation and fear. Here it must first be clarified what the reasons for the withdrawal are. Only then can the partners decide what conclusions they can and want to draw from it.

8.      Frustration in bed

Especially in long-term partnerships, highs and lows in sex life are completely normal. However, it becomes problematic if one or both of them don't get their money's worth (anymore). This can have both physical and emotional reasons, whereby both are closely interwoven here as well. Work or family stress, menopause or unfulfilled sexual desires can throw the libido off track. Sometimes better day-to-day organization or a time out together are enough to rekindle the fire. If the problem is deeper or lasts longer, discussions with a psychologist or couple counselor can help to overcome it.

9.      violence

Violence does not have to be felt as such by both in order to be violence. It is enough if someone feels that they have been treated violently. There are couples who slap each other in an argument and laugh about it later. For others, a threatening look or a raised hand would be a reason for separation. The individual boundaries are very different here, but as soon as a partner feels violence in the relationship, it should come to an end immediately, otherwise a happy future together is not possible.

10.  Different life planning

By no means every couple knows at the beginning of the relationship where the journey together should lead. Often it is only later on in the relationship that it becomes clear which long-term plans are being forged and whether the ideas of both partners can be reconciled. A common life planning is not a rigid structure, but a dynamic process; however, there should be agreement at least at the grassroots level. Lazy compromises on essential issues such as the desire to have children, family planning, place of residence or career delay important decisions, leave deep needs unsatisfied and can thus lead to later unrest and unhappiness.